Frustration.
I'm not in a very sane state of mind right now. I've been pacing back and forth, trying to find out answers to very, simple questions.
Caution, you may not want to read on. So don't, if you do not want to.
Flip a coin
I was talking to a friend, asking for inputs into my university decision making process. He mentioned a very interesting concept
Flip a coin, each side representing a stand. Before the coin lands, you will somehow know what you want for, and wish for the respective side to face up upon landing.
It has so much truth in it. More often than not, we're guilty of being indecisive. We do know what we want, but we're giving ourselves excuses, fearing the choice we do settle upon has unwanted repercussions. Then again, regardless what input we do receive, we would not waver in our stand, presumably we have actually long decided. We just want that additional opportunity to deliberate, to ponder, to wander off in our thoughts. Decision-making is a scary process.
But some decisions aren't that trivial - trivial enough to warrant fate deciding for you. Maybe between Pizza and Burgers I'd flip a coin. But for issues such as university admissions, job opportunities, to flip a coin, seriously?! I've thought through it. The above ideal situation would not apply to me. I will not be able to magically come to a decision while the coin spins in the air, reason being I do genuinely not have decision in mind. Coins shouldn't determine our future. It shouldn't.
Flipping coins reminds me of Fortune Cookies.
Happy Valentine’s Day?
It's really noteworthy how Valentine's Day coincided with Chinese New Year this year, in 2010. But in retrospect, Valentine's Day was equally significant in 2009- it was the first day after my 2-week confinement in BMT.
Happy Valentine's Day to the couples, and Happy Friendship Day to the singles. In spite of efforts to reject the overwhelming evidence, I unfortunately belong to the latter. This day never fails to jerk a part of me, to fulfill that want. Or is it a need?
Happy Chinese New Year?
What's Chinese New Year?
It's a traditional festival celebrated by Chinese, for Chinese, with Chinese. There're reunion dinners on the eve, "bai nian's" and "kai nian", loosely translated to "visiting" and "opening of the year". And there's the highly anticipated hongbaos. The celebratory mood lingers while we paint our towns and houses red with traditional decorations. We use the festive season as a reason to indulge in gambling, hoping lady luck picked us this new year. We visit each other's houses, exchanging oranges and well-wishes, eating the festive foods and growing fat.
But there is the remote possibility that, insofar we enjoy the lovable break, it really isn't anymore than, that - a break. And for some of the unlucky ones (read: me), we may find a break in our break. Be it work commitments, family commitments, friend commitments, the break doesn't seem like a break after all. We don't really allow ourselves to rest, do we? Or maybe we aren't the least cognizant of any significance in that.
I don't have many relatives in Singapore. And for the two relatives that we do have in Singapore, we barely maintain contact; the animosity really makes me wonder how thick blood is. For the record, I don't even know my cousin's name. Happy Chinese New Year? I hardly see a significance in that, so little that I can't help but feel envy at times, at the families who are enjoying a nice get-together, feasting and talking like they've not met in months. Maybe that's why they call it a "reunion dinner".
Then again, I don't see it happening to me. Do I want it? Yes. No. I don't know. I never really knew my relatives, so reunion dinners represents to me a queer concoction of anticipation, fear, and disappointment. Anticipation in hope that I can get to know them. Fear of knowing them. And disappointment when I realise we've all grown too far apart to ever get to know one another. How does it feel like having a cousin you're close to?
I want to have those feelings.
But I'll never have them.
Life of a soldier: The 1 year milestone.
It's 1 Feb 2010, a little over the 1 year mark since I enlisted into the National Service on 28 Jan 09. The past year hadn't been exactly smooth sailing, but it's decently enjoyable in itself. Over time, I developed quite an anti-thesis stance towards the rationale and the fundamental elements of the two-year National Service. These notions of dissent more often than not proves to be counter-productive when you wake up to the reality of the situation, that, one has no choice.
Once in awhile I'd isolate myself in the most serene of environments (plainly euphemism for my dusty room devoid of noise, entertainment, et cetera), engaging in some very personal introspection. I fill my mind with a myriad colorful list of issues to heavily ponder on, of which NS never fails to find its way in. Thence I would enumerate all my experiences and reflections, notwithstanding the relentless never-ending pursuit of finally being able to say, "Tomorrow would be when I ORD".
Before I even go on, I probably had never expressly stated upfront what I do in NS. Not because I do not want to, but because I'm obliged (read: legally-binded) not to. In short, my formal vocation reads "Intelligence Assistant", which I'm going to stress is strictly not the same as an "Admin Support Assistant", aka Clerk. I'm not trying to be obstinate or intellectual about it but there is a difference in what we do, and the misunderstanding never seems to resolve itself not with the mindless and baseless claims of my inadequate physique - when in actuality I just have a mere shoulder injury.
Contrary to popular belief, we do not have it as easy. While the idea of an air-conditioned office with lenient working hours of 8 to 5.30 may provide great incentive, the toiling takes no physical form but instead, manifests within our mental faculty. The end of each day is euphoric - because we get to finally put a rest to all that intellectual analyses and incessant reading. But as rumors qua rumors, misinformation prevails and we are misconstrued to be, colloquially termed, slackers. Probably any attempt at debunking the myth would take a turn for the worse to invite childish criticism.
But again, everyone probably has it bad. The BMT sergeant endures the nonsensical excuses recruits spout to avoid extra menial work, while the driver again finds himself seated in the truck, or tank, having to navigate their new-found terrain with absolute accuracy for fear of corollary punishment which had long moved the term "extras" into the blacklist of a soldier.
On a lighter note, one cannot entirely treat the 2-year mandatory conscription as one without benefits. No, I'm not referring to material perks such as the SAFRA membership or superfluous magazines (that we indignantly have to pay for!) It's a good break from academia. It's a good break from the 12 years of education we've never been able to find an escapade from. It also gives males an advantage (although many would gladly do without) in university applications, where we've an additional two rounds of application to vie for. In fact, I've not much to lambast the system since, if not for the compulsory gap year, I would've not been able to learn so much about education abroad, and I would've not had any opportunity to make my applications to universities abroad. In a very cliche way, I'd say NS may have been a blessing in disguise, save for the amateur politics and the average "act-smart" Singaporeans you inadvertently have to chance upon. So much for Intelligence.
But life is for us to control, to manipulate into an episode of greatness. The household saying of "Hear only the good things" has never so aptly suited the situation where rank-conscious individuals exploit the system and abuse those without power. I'd be lying if I said I was not disillusioned. Even more so, I'm disenchanted with the entire defense paradigm. From the televisions one watches in awe the power of military intelligence, and from my office seat I watch in disbelief the tirades of higher management.
Alas, it has been a complete year. The 1-year milestone, it had been pretty darn hard waiting for. And just for some cold comfort, there's another 1 year to go. As I would lovingly term it, it's another year of the same rubbish. Studying has never been more appealing - what awaits us ahead?- what awaits me? For certain I'm not letting the impending 1 year go to waste; time is of the essence. I hope this doesn't pass off being far-fetched, but 365 days isn't sufficient to sate an individual's hunger for knowledge. There's never too much to learn, so let's keep on learning. If you've any interesting book to share, do drop me a note. I have a particular liking for non-fiction books, although fictions are fine too.
Until the next time I blog, Happy Chinese New Year!